Why Is Everyone So Annoying Around the Holidays?
Why is everyone so annoying around the holidays (OK, let’s face it, even during the off-season)? The woman driving the car in front of you is going way too slow; the guy at the grocery store is standing EXACTLY where you are trying to grab a jar of sauce; and your partner (or boss, or sibling, or, or, or) is being soooo bossy! I ask again, why is everyone so annoying?
Part of the reason is that they are, in fact, annoying (ha!). Curious, though — do you think the other part of the equation could maybe, just maybe, be that you are wound a bit tight…and possibly need to chill a bit (or maybe breathe 20 times)?
I hear you, it’s easier said that done. So here are few tools to help you get from distressing to de-stressing the hectic holiday mindset.
Be a Bit Selfish.
Don’t be afraid to take a moment, pause, breathe, and do something nice for yourself. Doing for others does not mean you have to ignore your own needs. Putting yourself on the back burner only creates suffering, which in the end has a negative impact not only on you, but on those around you.
Understand Doing vs Being.
I have a friend who throws amazing parties. Unfortunately, the amazing parties come at a very high price of mental stress. She continually gets so worked up about the perfection of the party — they are seriously really good parties — that by the time the party starts, she is worn out and can not enjoy herself. It is so sad to watch. It would be OK if she actually enjoyed the process of planning the party, and didn’t care about the actual party itself. But she seems miserable about the planning, too. It’s a lose-lose situation. Strange, because if she were to do only half the work — even a quarter — her soirees would still be just as fab, with the added bonus of having her present! But she is so busy “doing,” she never finds the time to just “be.”
Here’s the deal: it’s okay to put your work down before it’s done, or take less time preparing a meal (or buy take out), or only lightly straighten the house (a little mess is OK) in order to spend more time doing something you like: spending time with friends or family, doing a puzzle, or reading a book. Sometimes you have to be a bit selfish and identify what you really want, and then decide that it’s OK to take a moment just for yourself.
Take away: Sometimes you have to stop “doing” and just “be.”
Embrace Emptiness.
We spend a lot of time during the holidays filling our time with what we “think” we should be doing. Decorate the house exactly like last year. Buy the same amount of presents. Have the same people over. Go to the same parties, even though you don’t want to. Listen to right music, at the right time (after thanksgiving, non?). We have a ton of expectations of what should be. And once those expectations are not met, bam, we are unhappy. If only we could start with a clean slate and see what unfolds.
Use a New Lens.
There is a concept in Buddhism called Beginner’s Mind. It is a simple concept, and just asks that you view something — actually, everything — as if seeing it for the first time, as a beginner would. When I was in my late 20s, I worked at a high-energy, start-up tech company. The place was filled with a whole lot of brain power. Everyone around me seemed to be an expert at something. My boss, my mentor, was beyond brilliant (literally, he had an over-the-top, gigantic IQ). And just like all the other smart peeps in the company, he could solve almost any problem.
But he was also different from everyone else. He approached discussions as if it were the first time he had ever contemplated the subject matter. Here I was, in my 20s, barely a toe in the industry, and I was walking around acting like I understood Switching, and Token Ring, and ATM (not the kind you get money from). I would nod my head and pretend I got it…then try to write about it. And here was my boss, this brainy man, who would walk in and say “I don’t understand.” HUH? I knew he understood, or at least if anyone understood it would be him.
When I asked him about it one day, he explained that if you walk into a room as an expert, you have nowhere else to go. If you think you know everything, there is nothing new to learn. But if you approach something as a novice (beginner), the possibilities are endless. So look at an empty room (opportunity) not like “OMG, there is nothing in this room,” but rather, “Wow, the possibilities to fill this room are boundless.”
Take away: Allow for the month of December to develop in front of you, rather than having every day be a check mark, likely on the same list you’ve been using for years. Approach this month as if it is the first time you have experienced the month of December, and whatever comes will be new and refreshing.
Cultivate Tolerance.
Concepts are easy to read about; the hard part is getting the job done. In order to be a bit selfish, and embrace emptiness, you must first figure out a way to cultivate tolerance. I’m pretty sure we can all agree that walking around annoyed and intolerant of everyone is not healthy. Negativity breeds negativity, intolerance breeds intolerance. Constantly repeating negative patterns or behaviors actually trains your mind to habituate toward negativity. The more you repeat a behavior, the more ingrained it becomes in your brain. Eventually negativity and intolerance become your natural inclinations. (The saying “you are what you eat” works here, I think.) And not surprisingly, the person who is intolerant of others is often times highly intolerant and critical of themselves first, albeit likely unaware of this trait. They are hard driven, have high expectations, and don’t naturally lean towards compassion, for themselves or others. So, we must train to be compassionate.
Apply Mindfulness.
Below are instructions for a meditation called METTA, basically translated as “loving kindness.” There are many ways to do METTA; this is just one, and it can be done while walking, sitting, or even laying in bed. The concept is to repeat loving and kind thoughts and phrases for others, including yourself. When I first started doing this meditation, I found that it was really easy to send an attitude of goodness towards others. However I felt viscerally uncomfortable (still do, a bit) sending love and kind thoughts towards myself. Even writing “sending love and kind thoughts towards myself” just now made me feel funny.
And the concept of “sending” love also made my head spin a bit. I asked one of my mentors “am I really sending loving, kind thoughts into the universe in the hopes that they will reach their intended destination, my husband, for example?” She explained that the idea was to actually train myself to soften towards him, train myself to be more compassionate toward him, and to train myself to be more loving towards him. So instead of thinking how incredibly stupid he is being during an argument (yes, I totally judge him…especially when I am in the wrong) and wanting to throw a chair at his head, I silently repeat in my mind “may you feel love and kindness, may you be happy.” And sometimes it actually works! 🙂 Yay, me! In the end, the idea is to actively, purposefully wish another person well, but eventually realize that true happiness is something we ultimately have to find for ourselves, within.
Take away: Yes, the holidays are about giving to others. But if you give more than you have, you become depleted, and eventually have nothing left to give (and are no fun to be around.) It’s a vicious cycle and the only way to stop it is to truly, as if your life depended on it, learn to first love yourself. Once you are able to be compassionate towards yourself, you can then cultivate compassion and happiness toward others. Strange. I know.
Want to learn more Mindfulness strategies to not only survive but thrive this holiday season? Join us this evening for our last Mindfulness session! Sign up here!
- About the organization
Mindful Junkie, founded by Gina Rollo White, is based in Alexandria, VA, and offers training for the mind and the body. With an emphasis on teaching Mindfulness techniques, Mindful Junkie also teaches Pilates, connecting the circle of the mind and body relationship. Gina currently teaches mindfulness practices across a diverse set of people and environments, including youth, adolescents, adult one-on-one, classrooms, organizations, workshops and retreats.
