Tips on Love and Life: A Letter to a Friend

Dear Friend,

Congratulations. In just a few short months, you will marry the man you love. A man who treasures you. Your partner in crime, your partner in life. You will dance and laugh and cry, eat and drink, celebrate and remember. I could not be happier for you.

But if you are anything like me (and I think you are a lot like me), you are equally thrilled and terrified. Because the wedding is the easy part. The wedding is one day. One night. Despite the excitement and eagerness, you sometimes find yourself wondering if it will all be okay. After the planning and the errand-running and the checking off of lists, you find yourself a little afraid. Perhaps even a little sad at the loss that is inevitable when life requires big change. What I want to tell you today is that that’s okay. In fact, that’s normal. Healthy, even. If you didn’t understand the magnitude of what is ahead of you, I would be worried. I’m not.

This May, David and I have been together for eleven years. I am struck by just how long that is; we have friends who are married with children who have known each other for less than half the time David and I have been a couple! So, I thought that perhaps, with a heavy dose of humility, I might have a few things worthy of sharing with you.

Yes, marriage is hard. But it’s okay that it’s hard. We can do hard things. We do them every day. Sharing your life, yourself — your Self — with someone can be exhausting and frustrating and painful. But it will also be enlivening and inspiring and beautiful. There will be heartache. But such is the price of vulnerability. The reward is friendship and connectedness unlike anything you’ve ever known before. And it’s totally worth it.

A lifetime of inside jokes is ahead of you. A lifetime of quiet mornings spent lazily in bed, of spontaneous food fights in the kitchen, and Sunday afternoon dog park visits. A lifetime of road trips to the beach, naps on the couch, and competitive lip syncing sessions. Marriage brings with it a built-in best friend. You will never not have someone to binge watch your favorite show with, and you will always have someone to indulge your midnight Sonic mozzarella stick craving. (Oh, that’s just me?) And for every time you have to pick up his boxers from the floor, he will greet you at home after a long day at work with flowers and your favorite dish on the stove. For all of the tears, there are so many more belly laughs. For all of the raised voices, there are so many more kind gestures. For all of the anger, there is so much more gratitude and grace. You will share secrets and successes, failures and fears. You will love deeply. You will live abundantly.

Cook together when you can. Eat together even more. Try to go to bed at the same time. Indulge each other — he can have a PlayStation in the living room because that means you can buy the floral duvet. Speak kindly. Never answer “How was your day?” with “Fine.” He deserves to know more about the time you spend away from him than that. Have your own interests, but find common ones as well. Engage in activities that require you to work together — might I recommend a tandem bike? 🙂

But most importantly, never take your marriage for granted. You will love being married, but you must remember to wake up every morning ready to recommit to your relationship. The secret to a long and fulfilling marriage is renewed commitment, on your wedding day and every day thereafter.

Congratulations on your wedding, Friend. And much more importantly, congratulations on your marriage.

• Author Details

Christen Kinard

christen.kinard@theshoehive.com